An Incomplete Thought

As a child, I was hell-bent on becoming an astronaut. I’d narrate stories of going into space and landing on Mars and Pluto and travelling in spaceships to my gran and feel very content. I never doubted my dreams, not once. It’s funny that with time, my thoughts metamorphosed and I started becoming more and more doubtful about my future. When I was 15, I thought I’d become a scientist. I dreamed of having my own research lab and spending the rest of my life in solitude. At least it wasn’t as far-fetched as becoming as floating in space.
There came a point in my life when the idea of becoming an astronaut or a physicist became nothing more than an idea. Was it negativity? Well, maybe. But that’s not the only change I’ve experienced over time. I started picking out eccentric ideas out of my thoughts like picking stones out of rice and realized that what’s left is nothing more than cliché. 12th grade happened and I ended up taking Engineering like any other normal 17 year old.
I’ve never regretted it, though. Actually, I enjoy it (Let’s just say, so far, so good) but why did I quit dreaming? I never understood. I felt like an idiot for telling the whole world that someday, I’d float in space.
It torments me. Did maturity kill the child in me? Yeah, because that’s exactly what maturity is. But I think, I lost something more in the process of becoming mature. The harsh realities that I’ve faced made me realize that I need to keep my dreams within limits. Because I’m not living alone. I have my family to support. I have to support myself and all the relations I build over time. If it were just me, taking risks would’ve been as easy as it’s said but that’s not how it is. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” is easier said than done and the choices we take in life tend to be more of weighted probabilities than reckless chances. And weighted probabilities are all gained from experiences. Not our own experiences, but experiences that we’ve been told and taught about. Preferences change. Priorities are re-positioned.
I chose Engineering because I worried about the consequences. For some reason, I was convinced that going with the majority would be the best decision. A weighted probability, again. And I’m not even sure if that was the best I could do. All I can say for sure, is that only time will tell. And as Frost said,
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller”

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